Let’s go back to the summer of 2019, a more innocent time in our nation’s history. None of us knew what a KN95 mask was. White collar workers actually traveled for business rather than spending all day having to mute a Zoom mic anytime they had to fart. Donald Trump was a gentle, widely beloved president rather than the half-assed orchestrator of a failed revolution. And the Golden State Warriors were still really good.
I was in Oakland that June, hanging around the Lake Chalet to profile Stephen A. Smith for GQ. Stephen A. was there to record an episode of “First Take” on location, in the lead-up to Game 3 of the NBA Finals against the Raptors. The Warriors were coming off of winning three titles in the four years prior, and had already snatched home court advantage back from Toronto by winning Game 2 on the road.
Warriors fans, their sense of entitlement now at its apex, were primed to celebrate yet again. Chief among those fans was MC Hammer, who was a guest on “First Take” that day because really, what else did he have to do? Hammer came out onto the set that morning in a tie and popped collar, sporting the biggest goddamn watch I had ever seen: a Diesel wrist trophy with roughly eight faces that could have survived a month at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Stephen A. proceeded to ask Hammer very serious questions about the Dubs’ future, and the hip-hop icon proved a shockingly good foil. He even brought up the Pullman Porters while firing off his takes! Truly, u could not touch Hammer’s insights. Until he said this:
“Not only is our bench deep, it is QUALITY.”
That was deeply untrue, and would in fact prove lethal when then-Warrior forward Kevin Durant, already nursing a calf strain that had kept him out for the beginning of the series, had his Achilles tendon go SNIZZZZAP! in Game 5. The Warriors would go on to lose all three Finals games at Oracle, and the title with it. Kawhi Leonard and the Raptors simply proved 2 legit for Golden State.
Fast forward five years, and now a lot of other teams can make the same boast. Despite adding a fourth title to Curry’s resume just two years ago, the Warriors’ dynasty collapsed last night in a desultory 118-94 play-in loss to the Sacramento Kings. Dynasties never end in dramatic fashion, nor did it this time around. This Dubs loss featured multiple passes to nowhere, balls dribbled off of rogue feet, Klay Thompson missing every single shot he attempted, Sacramento getting 700 offensive rebounds, and Harrison Barnes — Harrison f—king Barnes! — nailing clutch shots for the Kings. These are not the Warriors you’re used to seeing, and that’s because they suck now.
Now, I’m prone to overreacting to any significant Warriors win or loss, not unlike the New York Post’s back page after the Yankees lose a homestand in May. But even more learned hoopheads could have told you that this collapse was a long time coming. The Warriors tried to smoothly transition out of the Splash Brothers era by working players like Andrew Wiggins, James Wiseman and Jordan Poole (the worst player in the history of mankind) into their core, only for that core to reject them like a bum kidney transplant. And now the core itself is a shambles. Klay is no longer himself, and never will be again. Draymond Green can no longer summon the energy to elbow opponents in the ballsack when his team needs an emotional lift. The bench is neither deep nor quality. And poor Steph Curry is too small, and now too old, to bail them out every time they’re stuck in the mud.
Worst of all, they’re not FUN anymore. The Dubs have been both face and heel throughout their run this century, but they were never boring. I could always count on them to move the ball around without it ever touching the floor, to make 3-pointers from impossible distances, and to turn every third quarter into the money sequence of a Godzilla movie. I’m old enough to have seen 1990s basketball with my own eyes, so I will always be grateful that the Warriors ushered in a new era in which scoring in the triple digits was not only possible, but necessary.
But they suck now. You are what your playoff seeding says you are, and that team I watched last night was very much a No. 10 seed, and maybe an NCAA 10-seed at that. Put this roster in Charlotte Hornets uniforms — which could be a reality for many of these players a year from now — and their lack of qualifications would have been obvious. These Warriors had no business making the official playoff field. And they never will again, so long as owner Joe Lacob sees fit to keep huffing the smoke still emanating from his dynasty’s ashes.
So here is what I suggest: blow it up. Klay is a free agent this offseason. Let him walk. Draymond, whose upper lip and lower lip have never touched one another, has three years left on his deal (ugh). Trade him away in a salary dump for a crummy draft pick and a whoopee cushion. Let head coach Steve Kerr retire so that he can finally rest his crippled back.
And trade Steph.