Few developments in the world of film and television have been as historically important as Jason Statham’s recent self-aware swan dive into comedy. Perhaps this strikes you as a bit of an overstatement. If it does, you probably have yet to see Spy, the 2015 Melissa McCarthy film that co-stars Jason Statham as a kind of parody Maximum Jason Statham, in which he steals scenes with such precision that it’s almost like Real Jason Statham is starring in a tiny little heist movie within the actual movie. You should watch Spy. Comedy Statham is a revelation.
Building on this new, tongue-in-stubble-covered-cheek version of himself, he’s also made the move to goofy commercials, most notably the brand new ad for the LG G5 phone. The commercial features a world filled with Jason Stathams. Good Stathams, Bad Stathams, Dancing Stathams, etc. So very many Jason Stathams. It’s like what heaven must look like, provided your version of heaven includes a pregnant Jason Statham pushing a baby Jason Statham around in a stroller. I’m sure it does. We’ve all read the Bible.
But with so many Stathams running amok, I imagine there are moments where the whole thing gets a little confusing. And so, what I’m going to do here is rank the most prominent Jason Stathams in this all Jason Statham universe. For you. To help. You’re welcome.
1. Dancing Statham
Look, I’m fully aware that the vast majority of Stathams in this commercial are just civilians with Jason Statham’s face CGI’d onto their head, and that this Jason Statham is probably just an extra who has never even met him, but I’m going to go ahead and keep pretending that this is really him and he has the fierce grace and coordination of a Broadway dancer hidden away as a secret talent underneath layers and layers of martial arts moves that involve breaking someone’s neck. Do not take this from me.
2. Flowing-haired Statham wearing a white suit and standing atop a group of charging bulls while holding two fire extinguishers
Self-explanatory.
3. Baby Statham
If I have one bone to pick with this commercial, it’s that Baby Statham never got any lines of dialogue. I would have paid good money to hear a baby make a few baby complaints in Jason Statham’s deep, intense British voice. I don’t think there’s enough there to sustain, say, an entire movie, but I don’t see why they refused to give us a single, “Oy, mum. Oi pooped.” I’m pretty sure we earned at least that.
4. Pregnant Statham
Pictured to the left of Baby Statham, pushing him around. Now this — this — is a movie. Reboot Junior with Statham in the Schwarzenegger role. Someone should have already thought of this.
5. Millennial Statham
Put down your phone, Millennial Statham! That’s the problem with your whole generation! You’re too busy sticking your face in a screen to experience the beauty of the real world around you! Like this, uh… bank… robbery. Okay, there are better examples than this. But still!
6. Fancy lady Stathams
Picture sitting next to these two at this coffee shop and overhearing them just trash a third friend who couldn’t make it that day. Like real judge-y, gossip-y fancy lady talk, but with both voices in the conversation sounding like Jason Statham doing a bad impression of the Queen of England.
7. Pudgy negligent security guard Statham
So, two things:
What do you think he’s watching there? My best guess is a version of Furious 7 shot entirely from Jason Statham’s character’s point of view, even when he’s off-screen in the real movie. Like, all the way down to him peacefully eating breakfast and stuff before he heads off for battle.
That should be a thing, if it isn’t.
Moving along.
8. Bankrobber Statham
Jason Statham robbing a bank in a Jason Statham mask. That’s just a solid piece of business.
9. Bank teller Statham
But this is where it really gets interesting, because I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to really, really think about it. Ready? Here we go: Could Jason Statham successfully rob a second, equally powerful Jason Statham?
I’ll need five pages double-spaced from each of you on my desk by Wednesday.
10. The subway Stathams
I would have ranked this much higher, but there’s no way Regular Statham tolerates long-haired, hipster-glasses, jean-jacket Statham looking over his shoulder at his phone like this. Regular Statham has punched people in the throat for far lesser offenses. I’m surprised he’s even putting up with Mohawk Statham in the background. The Regular Statham I know would be keeping a close eye on a suspicious character like that.
11. Motorcycle Stathams
Look at the second Motorcycle Statham’s eyes. He’s up to something. My working theory is that he’s about to double-cross the driver and slit his throat. Statham-on-Statham murder. Stathicide!
12. The balding, fighting Stathams
For the love of God, you two. The other Stathams are just trying to get to work. Be cool.
13. Miscellaneous background Stathams
Maybe next time, guys.
14. Fedora Statham coming out of the subway behind Baby Statham
I’m sorry. There’s just too much baggage there with fedoras after years of every vaping know-it-all you hate deciding to buy one in an attempt to create a synthetic personality. Not even Jason Statham can make a fedora work in 2016. But please, no one tell him I said this. See above, re: throat punching.